Physics

When a third grader was asked to cite Newton’s first law, she said, “Bodies in motion remain in motion, and bodies at rest stay in bed unless their mothers call them to get up.”


Q: What is the name of the first electricity detective?
A: Sherlock Ohms


Q: Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
A: Because when they find the position, they can’t find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can’t find the position.


A neutron walked into a bar and asked, “How much for a drink?” The bartender replied, “For you, no charge.”


Q: What did one quantum physicist say when he wanted to fight another quantum physicist?
A: Let me atom.


Two atoms were walking across a road when one of them said, “I think I lost an electron!” “Really!” the other replied, “Are you sure?” “Yes, I ‘m absolutely positive.”


When a third-grade student was asked to define the term “vacuum” in class, she answered, “A vacuum is an empty region of space where the Pope lives.”


Q: Which right-hand rule do students use on bad physics professors?
A: Step 1: Extend your right arm forward from the elbow. Step 2: Keeping your palm facing to the left, stick out your middle finger. Step 3: Rotate your hand 90 degrees clockwise.


Here is a teaching tip for physics professors: When a student tries to paraphrase something you have just taught, feed her or him the following line: “I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.” This will guarantee that the student will not interrupt your class again until the next semester.


Murphy’s Ten Laws for String Theorists:

1. If you fix a mistake in a mathematical superstring calculation, another one will show up somewhere else.
2. If your results are based on the work of others, then one such work will turn out to be wrong.
3. The longer your article, the more likely your computer hard disk drive will fail while you are typing the references.
4. The better your research result, the more likely it will be rejected by the referee of a journal; on the other hand, if your work is wrong but not obviously so, it will be accepted for publication right away.
5. If a result seems to good to be true, it is unless you are one of the top ten string theorists in the world. (By the way, these theorists refer to their results as “string miracles”.)
6. Your most startling string-theoretic theorem will turn out to be valid in only two spatial dimensions or less.
7. When giving a string seminar, nobody will follow anything you say after the first minute, but, if miraculously someone does, then that person will point out a flaw in your reasoning half-way through your talk and what will be worse is that your grant review officer will happen to be in the audience.
8. For years, nobody will ever notice the fudge factors in your calculations, but when you come up for tenure they will surface like fish being tossed fresh breadcrumbs.
9. If you are a graduate student working on string theory, then the field will be dead by the time you get your Ph.D.; Even worse, if you start over with a new thesis topic, the new field will also be dead by the time you get your Ph.D.
10. If you discover an interesting string model, then it will predict at least one low-energy, observable particle not seen in Nature.

In summary, anything in string theory that theoretically can go wrong will go wrong, but if nothing does go theoretically wrong, then experimentally it is ruled out.


Have you heard that entropy isn’t what it used to be?


Q: Where does bad light end up?
A: In a prism.


Title: A Sexual Encounter between a Capacitor and an Inductor

One evening, with his charge at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute coil to discharge him. He went to the Magnet Bar to pick up a chip called Millie Amp. He caught her out back trying self induction; fortunately, she had not damaged her solenoid. The two took off on his megacycle and rode across the Wheatstone Bridge into a magnetic field, next to a flowing current , to watch the sine waves.

Micro Farad was very much stimulated by Millie’s characteristic curve. Being attractive himself, he soon had her field fully excited. He set her on the ground potential, raised his frequency, lowered her resistance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. When he inserted it in parallel, he short-circuited her shunt. Fully excited, Millie cried out, “ohm, ohm, give me mho”. As he increased his tube to maximum output, her coil vibrated from the current flow. It did not take long for her shunt to reach maximum heat. Now with the excessive current shortening her shunt, Micro’s capacity rapidly discharged – every electron was drained off. But that was not the end of it. Indeed, they fluxed all night, tried various connections and hookings until his bar magnet weakened, and he could no longer generate enough voltage to sustain his collapsing field. With his battery fully discharged, Micro was unable to excite his tickler, so they went home. A few weeks later, they were merged forever and oscillated happily ever after.


A physics professor, who was teaching a graduate course on superstring theory, decided to add an essay question to this year’s final exam. The instructions read, “Describe the universe in 400 words or less and give three examples.”


This is apparently a true story. It took place just outside of Munich, Germany.
Heisenberg went for a drive and got stopped by a traffic cop. The cop asked, “Do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg replied, “No, but I know where I am.”


The following is a little known, true story about Albert Einstein (attributed to Paul Harvey).

Albert Einstein was just about finished his work on the theory of special relativity, when he decided to take a break and go on vacation to Mexico. So he hopped on a plane and headed to Acapulco. Each day, late in the afternoon, sporting dark sunglasses, he walked in the white Mexican sand and breathed in the fresh Pacific sea air. On the last day, he paused during his stroll to sit down on a bench and watch the Sun set. When the large orange ball was just disappearing, a last beam of light seemed to radiate toward him. The event brought him back to thinking about his physics work. “What symbol should I use for the speed of light?” he asked himself. The problem was that nearly every Greek letter had been taken for some other purpose. Just then, a beautiful Mexican woman passed by. Albert Einstein just had to say something to her. Almost out of desperation, he asked as he lowered his dark sunglasses, “Do you not zink zat zee speed of light is zery fast?” The woman smiled at Einstein (which, by the way, made his heart sink) and replied, “Si.”
And know you know the rest of the story.


Q: How many theoretical physicists specializing in general relativity does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate the universe.


It has been rumored that Edmund Scientific is trying to keep up with the times. The following amusing incident confirms this belief. The Chairman of a Physics Department ordered some lab equipment from the company. When the package arrived, a secretary opened it and found the following warning label: “Despite its superficial appearance, this product at a microscopic level might be made of strings. Manufacturer will prosecute to the maximum extent of the copyright law any attempt to make a supersymmetric version.


Q: What is the simplest way to observe the optical Doppler effect?

A: Go out at and look at cars. The lights of the ones approaching you are white, while the lights of the ones moving away from you are red.


The Official Unabashed Scientific Dictionary defines an elementary particle as the dreams that stuff is made of.

The Official Unabashed Scientific Dictionary defines a transistor as a nun who’s had a sex change.


The Official Unabashed Scientific Dictionary defines hyperspace as the place where you park your limousine at a superstore.


Does a radioactive cat have 18 half-lives?


The Heineken Uncertainty Principle says “You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.”


When a travel agent was asked if faster-than-light flights were available, she said, “Yes, but tickets must be purchased at least three weeks in advance and a Saturday night stay is required.”


Q: What did Donald Duck say in his graduate physics class?
A: Quark, quark, quark!


Q: What did one uranium-238 nucleus say to the other?
A: “Gotta split!”


Physics quote of the day: Anything that doesn’t matter has no mass.


According to Einstein’s Theory of Relatives, the probability of in-laws visiting you is directly proportional to how much you feel like being left alone.


There has been too much action in reaction to political scandals. Please write to your congressman to repeal Newton’s third law.


Einstein’s favorite limerick was:
There was an old lady called Wright
who could travel much faster than light.
She departed one day
in a relative way
and returned on the previous night.


A Cartoon about CERN (size=31 K)


A student riding in a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited he asks, “Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?”


Three months before his 1905 seminal relativity paper, Einstein perform the following thought experiment, which, by the way, is known as a gedanken experiment in theoretical physics:

Einstein imagined, “If I vere to put my hand on a hot stove for a minute, it vould seem like an hour. But if I vere to sit with a pretty girl for an hour, it vould seem like a minute. By Jove, I think time is relative.”
When a third grader was asked to cite Newton’s first law, she said, “Bodies in motion remain in motion, and bodies at rest stay in bed unless their mothers call them to get up.”


Physics Joke 2:
Q: What is the name of the first electricity detective?
A: Sherlock Ohms


Physics Joke 3:
Q: Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
A: Because when they find the position, they can’t find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can’t find the position.


Physics Joke 4:
A neutron walked into a bar and asked, “How much for a drink?” The bartender replied, “For you, no charge.”


Physics Joke 5:
Q: What did one quantum physicist say when he wanted to fight another quantum physicist?
A: Let me atom.


Physics Joke 6:
Two atoms were walking across a road when one of them said, “I think I lost an electron!” “Really!” the other replied, “Are you sure?” “Yes, I ‘m absolutely positive.”


Physics Joke 7:
When a third-grade student was asked to define the term “vacuum” in class, she answered, “A vacuum is an empty region of space where the Pope lives.”


Physics Joke 8:
Q: Which right-hand rule do students use on bad physics professors?
A: Step 1: Extend your right arm forward from the elbow. Step 2: Keeping your palm facing to the left, stick out your middle finger. Step 3: Rotate your hand 90 degrees clockwise.


Physics Joke 9:
Here is a teaching tip for physics professors: When a student tries to paraphrase something you have just taught, feed her or him the following line: “I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.” This will guarantee that the student will not interrupt your class again until the next semester.


Physics Joke 10:
Murphy’s Ten Laws for String Theorists:

(1) If you fix a mistake in a mathematical superstring calculation, another one will show up somewhere else.
(2) If your results are based on the work of others, then one such work will turn out to be wrong. (3) The longer your article, the more likely your computer hard disk drive will fail while you are typing the references.
(4) The better your research result, the more likely it will be rejected by the referee of a journal; on the other hand, if your work is wrong but not obviously so, it will be accepted for publication right away.
(5) If a result seems to good to be true, it is unless you are one of the top ten string theorists in the world. (By the way, these theorists refer to their results as “string miracles”.)
(6) Your most startling string-theoretic theorem will turn out to be valid in only two spatial dimensions or less.
(7) When giving a string seminar, nobody will follow anything you say after the first minute, but, if miraculously someone does, then that person will point out a flaw in your reasoning half-way through your talk and what will be worse is that your grant review officer will happen to be in the audience.
(8) For years, nobody will ever notice the fudge factors in your calculations, but when you come up for tenure they will surface like fish being tossed fresh breadcrumbs.
(9) If you are a graduate student working on string theory, then the field will be dead by the time you get your Ph.D.; Even worse, if you start over with a new thesis topic, the new field will also be dead by the time you get your Ph.D.
(10) If you discover an interesting string model, then it will predict at least one low-energy, observable particle not seen in Nature.

In summary, anything in string theory that theoretically can go wrong will go wrong, but if nothing does go theoretically wrong, then experimentally it is ruled out.


Physics Joke 11:
Have you heard that entropy isn’t what it used to be?


Physics Joke 12:
Q: Where does bad light end up?
A: In a prism.


Physics Joke 13:
Title: A Sexual Encounter between a Capacitor and an Inductor

One evening, with his charge at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute coil to discharge him. He went to the Magnet Bar to pick up a chip called Millie Amp. He caught her out back trying self induction; fortunately, she had not damaged her solenoid. The two took off on his megacycle and rode across the Wheatstone Bridge into a magnetic field, next to a flowing current , to watch the sine waves.

Micro Farad was very much stimulated by Millie’s characteristic curve. Being attractive himself, he soon had her field fully excited. He set her on the ground potential, raised his frequency, lowered her resistance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. When he inserted it in parallel, he short-circuited her shunt. Fully excited, Millie cried out, “ohm, ohm, give me mho”. As he increased his tube to maximum output, her coil vibrated from the current flow. It did not take long for her shunt to reach maximum heat. Now with the excessive current shortening her shunt, Micro’s capacity rapidly discharged – every electron was drained off. But that was not the end of it. Indeed, they fluxed all night, tried various connections and hookings until his bar magnet weakened, and he could no longer generate enough voltage to sustain his collapsing field. With his battery fully discharged, Micro was unable to excite his tickler, so they went home. A few weeks later, they were merged forever and oscillated happily ever after.


Physics Joke 14:
A physics professor, who was teaching a graduate course on superstring theory, decided to add an essay question to this year’s final exam. The instructions read, “Describe the universe in 400 words or less and give three examples.”


Physics Joke 15:
This is apparently a true story. It took place just outside of Munich, Germany.
Heisenberg went for a drive and got stopped by a traffic cop. The cop asked, “Do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg replied, “No, but I know where I am.”


Physics Joke 16:
The following is a little known, true story about Albert Einstein (attributed to Paul Harvey).

Albert Einstein was just about finished his work on the theory of special relativity, when he decided to take a break and go on vacation to Mexico. So he hopped on a plane and headed to Acapulco. Each day, late in the afternoon, sporting dark sunglasses, he walked in the white Mexican sand and breathed in the fresh Pacific sea air. On the last day, he paused during his stroll to sit down on a bench and watch the Sun set. When the large orange ball was just disappearing, a last beam of light seemed to radiate toward him. The event brought him back to thinking about his physics work. “What symbol should I use for the speed of light?” he asked himself. The problem was that nearly every Greek letter had been taken for some other purpose. Just then, a beautiful Mexican woman passed by. Albert Einstein just had to say something to her. Almost out of desperation, he asked as he lowered his dark sunglasses, “Do you not zink zat zee speed of light is zery fast?” The woman smiled at Einstein (which, by the way, made his heart sink) and replied, “Si.”
And know you know the rest of the story.


Physics Joke 17:
Q: How many theoretical physicists specializing in general relativity does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate the universe.


Physics Joke 18:
It has been rumored that Edmund Scientific is trying to keep up with the times. The following amusing incident confirms this belief. The Chairman of a Physics Department ordered some lab equipment from the company. When the package arrived, a secretary opened it and found the following warning label: “Despite its superficial appearance, this product at a microscopic level might be made of strings. Manufacturer will prosecute to the maximum extent of the copyright law any attempt to make a supersymmetric version.


Physics Joke 19:
Q: What is the simplest way to observe the optical Doppler effect?

A: Go out at and look at cars. The lights of the ones approaching you are white, while the lights of the ones moving away from you are red.


Physics Joke 20:
The Official Unabashed Scientific Dictionary defines an elementary particle as the dreams that stuff is made of.

Physics Joke 21:
The Official Unabashed Scientific Dictionary defines a transistor as a nun who’s had a sex change.


Physics Joke 22:
The Official Unabashed Scientific Dictionary defines hyperspace as the place where you park your limousine at a superstore.


Physics Joke 23:
Does a radioactive cat have 18 half-lives?


Physics Joke 24:
The Heineken Uncertainty Principle says “You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.”


Physics Joke 25:
When a travel agent was asked if faster-than-light flights were available, she said, “Yes, but tickets must be purchased at least three weeks in advance and a Saturday night stay is required.”


Physics Joke 26:
Q: What did Donald Duck say in his graduate physics class?
A: Quark, quark, quark!


Physics Joke 27:
Q: What did one uranium-238 nucleus say to the other?
A: “Gotta split!”


Physics Joke 28:
Physics quote of the day: Anything that doesn’t matter has no mass.


Physics Joke 29:
According to Einstein’s Theory of Relatives, the probability of in-laws visiting you is directly proportional to how much you feel like being left alone.


Physics Joke 30:
There has been too much action in reaction to political scandals. Please write to your congressman to repeal Newton’s third law.


Physics Joke 31:
Einstein’s favorite limerick was:
There was an old lady called Wright
who could travel much faster than light.
She departed one day
in a relative way
and returned on the previous night.


Physics Joke 32:
A Cartoon about CERN (size=31 K)


Physics Joke 33:
A student riding in a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited he asks, “Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?”


Physics Joke 34:
Three months before his 1905 seminal relativity paper, Einstein perform the following thought experiment, which, by the way, is known as a gedanken experiment in theoretical physics:

Einstein imagined, “If I vere to put my hand on a hot stove for a minute, it vould seem like an hour. But if I vere to sit with a pretty girl for an hour, it vould seem like a minute. By Jove, I think time is relative.”