Science!!

Told a chemistry joke in class today, there was no reaction


Argon walks into a bar, the barman says “get the hell out!”.
Argon doesn’t react.


Two guys walk into a bar.
First guy says “I’ll take a h2o.”
Second guy says “I’ll take h2o too!”
Second guy dies.


Q: Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium?
A: It went OK.


We would like to apologize for not adding more jokes… but we only update them…. periodically!


Q: Anyone know any jokes about sodium?
A: Na


Making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon


Q: What is the most important rule in chemistry?
A: Never lick the spoon!


Helium walks into a bar,
The bartender says “We don’t serve noble gasses in here.”
Helium doesn’t react.


Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, “AU, get outta here!”


Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says “I think I’ll have an H2O.”
The second one says “I think I’ll have an H2O too” — and he died.


Q: What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
A: HeHe


Q: Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he walked out of the singles bar?
A: He got Avogadro’s number!


A proton and a neutron are walking down the street.
The proton says, “Wait, I dropped an electron help me look for it.”
The neutron says “Are you sure?” The proton replies “I’m positive.”


Money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.
The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.


As an ion chromatography chemist I made this one up:
Anions aren’t negative, they’re just misunderstood.


The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state. –sent


Q: What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A: A ferrous wheel.


Q: If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?
A: H2O cubed.


Q: What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?
A: OH SNaP!


A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, “How much for a beer?” The bartender offers him a warm smile and says, “For you, no charge”.


Q: What do you do with a dead chemist?
A: Barium –sent


Q: What did one ion say to the other?
A: I’ve got my ion you.


Q: Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?
A: To reduce his carbon footprint. –sent


Q: What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
A: One molar solution.


A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. “Oh Bunsen, my flame,” the sodium pined. “I melt whenever I see you,” The Bunsen burner replied, “It’s just a phase you’re going through.” –sent


Q: What do you call a clown who’s in jail?
A: A silicon. –sent


Q: Why do chemists enjoy working with ammonia?
A: Because it’s pretty basic stuff.


Q: What emotional disorder does a gas chomatograph suffer from?
A: Separation anxiety.


Q: Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?
A: Because it’s in the ground state. –sent


Florence Flask was getting ready for the opera. All of a sudden, she screamed: “Erlenmeyer, my joules! Somebody has stolen my joules!” The husband replied, “Calm down, honey. We’ll find a solution.”


Q: If H20 is water, what is H204?
A: Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming, etc.


Titanium is a most amorous metal. When it gets hot, it’ll combine with anything.


Q: What did one titration say to the other?
A: “Let’s meet at the endpoint.”


Q: What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?
A: Breaking up is hard to do.


Old chemists never die, they just stop reacting.


Q: What is “HIJKLMNO”?
A: H2O.


Q: When one physicist asks another, “What’s new?” what’s the typical response?
A:C over lambda.


Q: How did the chemist survive the famine?
A: By subsisting on titrations.


Q: What happens when spectroscopists are idle?
A: They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.


If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.


Q: Why can’t lawyers do NMR?
A: Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.


Q: What element is derived from a Norse god?
A: Thorium.


Q: What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?
A: He was booked for a salt and battery.


Q: What element is a girl’s future best friend?
A: Carbon.


Little Willie was a chemist. Little Willie is no more. What he thought was H2O was H2SO4. —


Q: What is the name of 007’s Eskimo cousin?
A: Polar Bond.


Outside his buckyball home, one molecule overheard another molecule saying, “I’m positive that a free electron once stripped me of an electron after he lepton me. You gotta keep your ion them.”


A chemistry professor couldn’t resist interjecting a little philosophy into a class lecture. He interrupted his discussion on balancing chemical equations, saying, “Remember, if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate!”


One day on the Tonight Show, Jay Leno showed a classified add that read: “Do you have mole problems? If so, call Avogadro at 602-1023.”


A student comes into his lab class right at the end of the hour. Fearing he’ll get an “F”, he asks a fellow student what she’s been doing. “We’ve been observing water under the microscope. We’re suppose to write up what we see.” The page of her notebook is filled with little figures resembling circles and ellipses with hair on them. The panic-stricken student hears the bell go off, opens his notebook and writes, “During this laboratory, I examined water under the microscope and I saw twice as many H’s as O’s.”


Q: How did the football cheerleader define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam?
A: Fear of utility bills.


The Official Unabashed Scientific Dictionary defines cation as a positively charged kitten.


Q: What is the chemical name of the following benzene-like molecule?

PhD PhD
\ /
C – C
/ \
C C
\ /
C – C
A: Orthodox


If you succeeding in guessing the answer to the previous joke, then you figure out this one:
Q: What is the chemical name of the following benzene-like molecule?

4
\
C – C 4
/ \ /
C C
\ /
C – C
A: Metaphor


Q: What is the name of the molecule bunny-O-bunny?
A: An ether bunny


Q: If H-two-O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?
A: H-two-O-CUBED


Q: What is the chemical symbol for diarrhea?
A: (CO(NH2)2)2


Chemistry Joke 13:
Q: Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
A: They’re cheaper than day rates.


Q: What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy?
A: Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe


Here is a historical note: In the 1980’s, in an effort to increase public awareness about the importance of chemistry, the American Chemical Society posted billboards with a picture of C6H10 and the title, “It takes alkynes to make a world.”


Q: Why do chemists call helium, curium and barium the medical elements?
A: Because if you can’t helium or curium, you barium!


Q: What is the name of the molecule CH2O?
A: Seawater


Q: What do you call a joke that is based on cobalt, radon, and yttrium?
A: CoRnY.


Q: If a mole of moles were digging a mole of holes, what would you see?
A: A mole of molasses.


Q: What does a teary-eyed, joyful Santa say about chemistry?
A: HOH, HOH, HOH!


Susan was in chemistry. Susan is no more, for what she thought was H2O was H2SO4.


Q: Why is potassium a racist element?
A: Because, when you put three of them together, you get KKK.


An electron sitting in a prison asked a second electron cellmate, “What are you in for?” To which the latter replied, “For attempting a forbidden transition.”

Q: What is the dullest element?
A: Bohrium


At the end of the semester, a 10th-grade chemistry teacher asked her students what was the most important thing that they learned in lab. A student promptly raised his hand and said, “Never lick the spoon.”


Q: How did the political science major define free radical on his chemistry exam?
A: A wild protestor.


Q: How many guacs are in a bowl of guacamole?
A: Avocados number.


I was in chemistry class today and the teacher asked me to name an element. So I stood up right in front of her and shouted “AHHHHH!”
Startled, she said ” What was that!?”
“The element of surprise” I said.


Q: If both a bear in Yosemite and one in Alaska fall into the water, which one dissolves faster?
A: The one in Alaska because it is Polar!


Two chemists meet for the first time at a symposium. One is American, one is British. The British chemists asks the American chemist, “So what do you do for research?” The American responds, “Oh, I work with arsoles.” The Brit responds, “Yes, sometimes my colleagues get on my nerves also.”


Q: What is a cation afraid of?
A: A dogion


Q: Why do chemists prefer nitrates?
A: They’re cheaper than day rates!


A little boy refused to run anymore. When his mother asked him why, he replied, “I heard that the faster you go, the shorter you become.”


A six-year-old boy spotted Albert Einstein walking down the street and decided to try out his favorite joke on him: “Mr. Einstein! Why did the chicken cross the road?” To which the famous physicist replied, “My young burgeoning mind, zee question does not have a definite anzer. Vether zee chicken crossed zee road or zee road crossed zee chicken depends on your frame of reference.”


Jupiter Scientific is pleased to report that physicists have embarked on their own product safety campaign, recommending that manufacturers provide consumers with all of the following labels:

WARNING: Due to its heavy mass, this product warps the space surrounding it. No health hazards are yet known to be associated with effect.

NOTE: This product may actually be nine-dimensional but, if this is the case, functionality is not affected by the extra six dimensions.

HEALTH WARNING: This product (and every product of the Manufacturer) emits low-level nuclear radiation.

NOTE: A subatomic “glue” holds the fundamental constituents of this product together. Since the exact nature of this glue is not yet fully understood, its adhesive power cannot be guaranteed. To date, no known malfunction of the product has resulted from glue failure.

DISCLAIMER: Manufacturer is not responsible for loss should this product disappear into a wormhole.

LIMITED WARRANTY: Despite the efforts of the Manufacturer, the chaos in this package has increased since being shipped. If such chaos has rendered the product defective, Buyer shall not hold Manufacturer responsible. Claims in this regard should be aimed directly at the Shipper.

NOTE: Despite its appearance, this product is more than 99.99% empty space.

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING: According to quantum theory, this product may collapse into another state if directly observed.

HANDLE WITH CARE: This product contains countless, minute, electrically charged particles moving at extremely high speeds.

EXTREME CAUTION: This product has an energy-equivalent that, if exploded, could destroy a small town. Under no circumstance shall a User perform a mass-energy transformation on any of the contents in this package. In case of misuse, liability shall rest entirely with the User.

GUARANTEED RETURN CLAUSE: Because of the uncertainty principle, we have shipped this product with a limited speed notice. However, if shippers have disregarded our notice, we cannot guarantee that all the contents are in the box. If you discover missing components, please call the 1-800 number on the instruction sheet.

IMPORTANT: This product is composed of 100% matter: It is the responsibility of the User to make sure that it does not come in contact with antimatter. Under no circumstances will the Manufacturer be liable for User mishandling in this regard.

QUALITY STANDARD: The electrons, protons and neutrons are guaranteed to be of same quality as those used in other products of the Manufacturer.

DISAPPEARANCE EXCLUSION: Due to quantum tunneling, there is an extremely tiny chance that this product may suddenly disappear at any time (and reappear elsewhere). The Manufacturer will not be responsible for such mysterious disappearances.

AS REQUIRED BY LAW, we must inform you that any use of this product increases the amount of disorder in the universe. As of the date shipped, Congress has not passed any bills assigning a tax on disorder pollution.

USE LIMITATION: This product cannot be guaranteed to function normally near a black hole.


Ten little known facts about relativity:
(1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
(2) Energy equals milk chocolate square (attributed to Albert E. Hersey)
(3) Delivery of Christmas gifts by Santa to the children of the world is now accomplished by riding Rudolf the red-shift reindeer.
(4) The general relativity theory of gravitation is responsible for people falling in love.
(5) The speed of an IRS tax refund is constant.
(6) Anger is neither created nor conserved but only changed from one form to another.
(7) The speed of time is one second per second, which is also called the fundamental unity.
(8) Death and taxes are the same for all constantly moving observers.
(9) Moving midgets are shortened.
(10) Divorce and alimony are equivalent but the latter is multiplied by an enormous factor.


Q: How were three graduate physics students able to demonstrated that a human could travel faster than light?
A: The three students went to a store and bought a stop watch and a candle. Then, they proceeded to a high school track field. The first student lit the candle and began to walk around the track. The second student waited a while and then ran after the first student. The third student worked the stop watch because physics experiments require precise measurements. When the second student rounded the track and came in first, the three students concluded that humans could travel faster than light.


Q: What did the male magnet say to the female magnet?
A: From your backside, I thought you were repulsive. However, after seeing you from the front, I find you rather attractive.

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