A woman goes over to her married son’s house and walks in to find her daughter-in-law sitting in a chair, entirely nude. The mother-in-law said, “What the hell are you doing?” “I’m wearing my love dress,” responds the daughter-in-law, “We haven’t made love in a while, so I wore it.”
She goes home and her husband wasn’t home yet, so she undressed. Two hours went by and finally she heard her husband’s car. He walks in the front door and says, “What the fuck are you doing?” “I’m wearing my love dress,” says the wife. “Well,” responds the husband, “it needs to be ironed.
Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After the exam, the OB-GYN told her that she was pregnant, and in great shape. Hillary couldn’t believe the news and stormed out of the office. She rushed to her limo and picked up the phone to call the Oval Office.
“You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?” There is a silence on the other end. Finally, she hears Bill’s voice.
“Who is this?”
A man notices a blonde sucking on the bottom of a Coke can. Curious, he asks her what she’s doing.
“Duh! It says for best taste drink by date on the bottom.”
Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple: “Who is it?” “It’s Mark” Jesus opens the door. “What did you bring Mark?” “Marijuana from Colombia” “Very well son, come in.”
Another soft knock is heard. “Who is it?” “It’s Matthew” Jesus opens the door. “What did you bring Matthew?” “Cocaine from Bolivia” “Very well son, come in.”
At the next knock Jesus asks, “Who is it?” “It’s John” Jesus opens the door. “What did you bring John?” “Crack from New York” “Very well son, come in.”
Someone starts pounding on the door. “Who is it?” “It’s Judas” Jesus opens the door. “What did you bring Judas?” “FREEZE! THIS IS THE FBI!”
A little boy, wearing a big red fire hat, was riding a toy fire truck down the street. The truck was being pulled by a beautiful Labrador Retriever. Unfortunately, the rope was tied around the dog’s privates, and as a consequence, the truck was going very slowly. A man walking down the street noticed how slowly the boy was being pulled and gently said to him, ”You know, son, that truck would go a lot faster if the rope was tied around your dog’s neck.”
The boy nodded in agreement and said, ”But then there wouldn’t be a siren.”
A woman walks into a restaurant and sits down. As she bends down to reach into her purse for her wallet, she farts loudly with the waiter right behind her. She sits abruptly back up, glares at the waiter and shouts “Stop that!”
To which the waiter replies, “Sure, which way did it go?”
3 guys get caught by cannibals, and the tribal leader offers them a deal. “if you pass my teest of manhood, I’ll spare your lives. Go into the forest and find me 10 pieces of fruit.” The men went off. The first guy returns with 10 apples. “If you can shove all 10 of those apples in your rear end without making a sound, you will pass the test of manhood and live.” So the guy starts out 1….2… but on the third one, he cried out in pain and was instantly executed. The second man returned with 10 berries. he started putting them in 1 by 1 1…2…3…4…..5….6…7 all the way up to 9. On the ninth berry, he breaks out in hysterical laughter and is instantly put to death. In heaven, the first 2 guys meet up. “Why did you laugh! You were so close.” asked the first guy. “I couldn’t help myself.” replied the second guy. “I saw the next guy, and he was carrying pineapples.
This priest was driving to his church when he saw two people bending over in the grass. He decided to see why. He walked over to them and asked what they were doing. The man said they were homeless and grass was the only thing they could at. The priest said, ”You can eat over at the church.” The woman said, ”We have nine children — will there be enough?” ”Oh yes, ” the priest replied, ”the grass is 2 1/2 inches taller over there.”
One day there was a woman who was about to have babies. She went to a fortune teller and the fortune teller said she would have twins – and they would be demons. The news somehow got on TV, so there were FBI agents and cops in the hospital room where the woman was going to give birth. They had guns ready to shoot the babies when they came out.
One of the babies stuck his head out and saw what was going on. So he stuck his head back in and told his brother. After hearing what was going to happen the second brother said, “Let’s go out the back way.”
A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, the same, and he reached the second branch. After a forth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
So there was an indian, a black guy, and a cowboy gathered around a fire just shootin’ the shit the indian says “once we were many, now we are few.” everyone ponders it for a few minutes then the black guy says “once we were few, now we are many!” the cowboy responds, “that’s because we haven’t played cowboys and niggers yet”
A crow was sitting on a tree. A small rabbit asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow replied “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”
“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “Let’s see what you got.”
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right. Get in.”
A man walked into an ice cream shop…
Man: I’d like some chocolate ice cream.
Scooper: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of chocolate. Would you like something else?
Man: Yes, I’d like some chocolate ice cream.
Scooper: I’m sorry, but we don’t have that. Would you like to try a different flavor?
Man: Um… yes. I’d like some chocolate ice cream.
Scooper: We don’t have that. How about a different kind of ice cream?
Man: I’ll have some chocolate ice cream.
Scooper: Look, Mister, can you spell the “van” in vanilla?
Scooper: Can you spell the “straw” in strawberry?
Scooper: Can you spell the “fuck” in chocolate?
Man: But there is no “fuck” in chocolate!
Scooper: That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you
A farmhand is driving ’round the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, “Boss, I’ve got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he’s stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He’s still wriggling — what should I do?”
“In the back of your truck there’s a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush.”
The farm worker agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. “Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush.”
“So what’s the problem now?” his Boss snapped.
“The blue light on his bike is still flashing!”
A man and woman had a son but when he was born all he was was a head. The doctors didn’t expect him to live very long. But the boy survived, so on his eighteenth birthday his father took him out to a bar for a drink.
The father ordered his son a scotch and when the boy drank it, out popped an arm. He was ecstatic so he drank another shot, and out popped another arm. Now the boy was in glee, so he drank another shot, and out popped a torso. And so on and so forth, until there was a whole body.
The boy was so happy that he ran out of the bar and into the street and got hit by a truck, killing him instantly. A drunkard in the corner looked at the father and said, ”He shoulda quit while he was a head!”
A plane passes through a severe storm. When one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. “I’m too young to die! Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??”
For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare at her blankly.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. “I can make you feel like a woman,” he says. He’s gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly,
“I was artificially inseminated this morning.”
“I don’t believe you,” said Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaimed Daisy.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.”
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?” “No, because he’s really heavy.”
Did you hear about the New Jersey man that was found dead in his home over the weekend.
Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.
The tub had been filled with milk, sugar and cornflakes.
A banana was sticking out of his ass.
Police suspect a cereal killer.
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
“But why?”, they asked, as they moved off.
“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. “Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I’m a teepee; then I’m a wigwam; then I’m a teepee; then I’m a wigwam. It’s driving me crazy. What’s wrong with me?”
The doctor replies : “It’s very simple. You’re two tents.”
A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, “that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?”
The man replies, “all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious… Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything — meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything.”
“Well,” says the dentist,”that’s probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It’s eaten away your upper plate. I’ll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome.”
“Why chrome?” asks the patient.
To which the dentist replies, “It’s simple. Everyone knows that there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!”
An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.
“Correct,” said the chief. “How did you figure it out?”
The warrior answered, “It’s elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.”
An Electrical, Mechanical, and Civil Engineer are discussing what kind of engineer God was.
“Electrical.” insists the Electrical engineer. “Look the the human nervous system!”
“No,” said the Mechanical engineer, “he was a Mechanical engineer. Look at the way all the muscles work together!”
“No, you’re both wrong.” said the Civil engineer. “Only a Civil engineer would have thought of running the waste system through the recreation department.”
A man discovers he has only 4 weeks to live. “Is there anything you can do?” he asks the doctor.
“Well, maybe one thing,” the doctor says. “I want you to go to this special spa and soak in the mud baths for three weeks.”
“Will that help?” asked the man.
“Well, no,” said the doctor, “but it will get you used to the dirt.”
A funeral procession passes a golf course where two very dedicated golfers are playing. As the processsion drives by, one of the golfers removes his hat and stands at attention as the cars roll by.
“My.” says the other golfer. “That must have been someone you knew.”
“It was.” says the first golfer, resuming play. “I was married to her for 40 years.”
A man goes to a psychologist, worried about his wife. “Doctor,” he says, “for the past six months, my wife has thought that she’s a chicken! Can you help?”
“Of course.” said the doctor, “but why did you wait so long?”
“Well,” said the man, “we really needed the eggs.”
Three old men were sitting on a porch.
“I wish I could take a healthy piss,” said one.
“I wish I could take a healthy crap,” said another.
“I can take a crap at 6 AM and a piss at 11 AM. I just wish I could get up before noon.”