Into the Bar

A guy walks into a bar and trailing behind him is an alligator. Both of which sit at the bar. The guy calls the bartender over and orders, “Two shots of whiskey. One for me and one for my friend here.” The bartender brings the drinks and watches as both the guy and the alligator gulp down the shots and slam the glasses down on the bar in unison. Again the guys orders “Two shots of whiskey. One for me and one for my friend.” Again, both drink the shots and slam down the glasses. This goes on until the bar closes and the bartender tells them and that they have to leave. The guy and the alligator both get up and start for the door. The alligator takes two steps and crashes to the floor. The guy (so hammered) doesn’t even notice and the bartender calls after the guy, “Hey buddy, you can’t leave that lying here. The guy turns, looks down and says, “That’s not a lion that’s an alligator!” (Note: For full effect, tell this joke using your best drunk voice or better yet while you are drunk.)

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, “Dang, why are you drinking so fast?”
The guy says, “You would be drinking fast if you had what I had.”
The bartender says, “What do you have?”
The guy says, “75 cents.”

A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t give beer to bears in bars.”
The bear replies, “If you don’t give me a beer, I’ll eat that lady over there.”
The bartender says, “Go ahead.”
So the bear eats the lady and asks for a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t give beer to bears on drugs.”
“What do mean,” says the bear. “I’m not on drugs.”
“Yes, you are, that was the barbituate.”

An ion walks into a bar and says “i think i left an electron here lastnight” and the bartender says “are you positive?”

A Guy walks into a bar and says ‘ouch’

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, “why the long face?”

Three strings arrive at a bar. The bar has a sign that clearly says, “No strings,” but they decide to try anyway.

The first string approaces the bartender and says, “Give me a drink!”

The bartender says, “No, we don’t serve strings here.” and sends him away.

The second string decides that politeness is they key to success, so he walks up to the bartender and says, “Please, mister bartender, may I have a drink?”

The bartender says, “No, we don’t serve strings here.” and sends him away.

The third string then has a sudden idea. He goes into the bathroom, messes up his hair, and tucks his head into his belt. He then walks up to the bar and asked the bartender for a drink. “Excuse me.” says the bartender, “But are you a string? ”

The string says, “No, I’m a frayed knot.”

A guy walks into a bar with a dog. “This dog is the smartest dog in the world.” he says. “He can answer any question.”

“Oh yeah?” says one of the patrons. “Prove it!”

The man turns to his dog, and asks, “What is over our head? ” “Roof!” “How does bark feel?” “Ruff!” “Who is the greastest baseball player who ever lived?” “Ruth!”

The patrons, growing tired of the show, throw the man and his dog out of the bar. The dog then turned to the man and asked, “Should I have said Joe Dimaggio?”

A man walks into a bar, and finds a friend of his nursing a very large drink. “Fred!” he says. “What is the matter?”

Fred slowly looks up from his drink and says, “My wife of thirty years just ran off with my best friend.”

“But Fred!” exclaims the man. “I’m your best friend!” Fred turns back to his drink. “Not anymore.”

A panda walks into a bar. The bartender says “hey, we don’t serve pandas here.”

But the panda says “Just give me something to eat, and then I’ll go.”

The bartender says “Oh, all right.” So the panda eats the food that the bartender gives him. So the bartender says, “OK, now you have to leave.”

But the panda says “Oh no I don’t.” and he pulls out a gun!!! and pow! pow! shoots up the bar.

As the Panda starts to leave, the bartender says “Hey! you can’t just leave after shooting at us!”

The panda says “Oh, yes I can. Look me up in the dictionary.” So the panda leaves and the bartender gets out a dictionary and looks up panda.

It says: “Panda – eats shoots and leaves.”

A guy walks into a bar in the top of the Space Needle and another guy says to him “Hey, if you jump out the window, the air currents will spin you around a couple of times and then you’ll fly right back in. Watch.” So the man in the bar leaps out the window and what he says happens. He spins around and falls back in the room.

The other man says “WOW! I want to try!” So he leaps out the window and falls and splats on the ground.

So The bartender says to the first man “Geeze Superman, you’re really mean when you’re drunk.”

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. “Sorry.” says the bartender. “We don’t serve food here.”
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